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tv   At Midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  March 17, 2015 2:07am-2:36am PDT

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nice round of applause! (applause) finally tonight, head to thenightlyshow.com/dares to view the first 32 dares selected in our dare-y willmore's march madness bracketsball dare-o-mania it's boner time tournament. we need your help to fill the bracket by wednesday night. so submit your dares using the hashtag "dare larry." please please, read barney frank's new book okay? it's called "frank." very easy to remember. i don't know why someone would have a tough time with that. until then, goodnightly, everyone! read the book! (cheers and applause) ♪♪ it's 11:59, and 59 seconds this happened in the app store paula deen the controversial celebrity chef and-- executive is
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paging a comeback. following in the footsteps of paris hilton she's and kim kardashian she's release a sex tape. i'm kidding but if that happened that would be way too hard to host this show. i would have to kep taking breaks and coming back. i just got the visual of it. >> paula deen very leasing something. but it's not from her body it's a mobile game. and here's the hot buttered tease. >> like playing with your food? then download paula deena-- (laughter) it's ironically a lot of white things in that video flour, her hair. egg whites that ring.
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it's like a fatal bina raccoon. (laughter) she is so excited about those eggs you what think they were tap dancing black waiter. >> look at the joy in her eyes. she's calling it paula deen's recipe quest but -- >> i bet you can come up with something better than that. what should this game be called. alice wetterlund. >> artery crush. >> ricky. >> n word with friends. (laughter) amazing, jesse jis. >> goober? it's time to start @midnight captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are performing at mad house comedy club in san diego march 26th to the 28th.
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alice wetterlund. (applause) from the nightly show with larry wilmore comedy central right before this very program ricky velez! (cheers and applause) performing at the house of comedy in phoenix april 8th through the 12th. jesse joyce is also here. how are you doing? thank you. >> jesse joyce writing for the justin bieber-- wrote or the wedding of king jaffry. >> that was great. >> having alice here is the second time i have been at a come el-- comedy central taping with a pretty little blond girl. >> thank you. there were -- >> thank you. >> there were actually pain bets on-- within comedy central as to whether or not he was going to cry during the roast. and it didn't happen did it? >> no, he was close but there were a lot of jokes that-- there were a lot of
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jokes i wrote that didn't get in that probably would have made him cry you know what i mean. >> would you like to share one. >> he's like a big jesus kid he has jesus that toad your recent we avier you're not really acting like jesus but if you keep up the drinking and driving you will probably die in a tree in your 30s. >> that is a [bleep] great joke. oh man. all right. let's start the program ripped from today's internethead lines it's rapid refresh. this is going to be fun. this is going to be very fun. google have what banned -- abandon thar ambitions for google glass but one man came up with an idea to use their terrifying leigh vast amount of ininfo. he created this family feud style game. for example the query how do you get dot dot dot was completed with pink eye bed bugs scabies ring worm
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the herpes strep throat. >> america. >> america yeah america. the internet is full of dirty disease freaks we have a couple minutes to kill before #wars let's he explore the bizarre reaches of the internet and play the google feud. so google feud has a scoreing system. if you get one of the top ten answers we will give you whatever the score is revealed under that answer. and once we get three wrong answers we move on to the next question. >> all right so let's start with you, alice how would you complete what is the number for blank. >> -- >> surprisingly not in there. >> that's we >> 911. >> what is the number for 911 genius. >> oh my god. >> 6,000 points. >> i love this game. love this game.
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>> i'm here. there's-- there's even something more vacuous about searching it on google than asking someone because you're typing it the [bleep] out. jesse. >> the age of consent in kentucky. (laughter) >> alice. >> i get to do another one. >> oh the tv. >> what is the number for tv. >> i thought -- i don't know. i'm sorry. >> what is the number for pi it's 3.1415 the 26 -- (applause) >> let's play one more. let's play one more. this is so much [bleep] fun. >> question. how to kill a -- >> okay ricky. >> a mocking bird. >> october, how to kill a
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mocking bird. >> yeah number one answer. number one [bleep] answer. 10000 points to ricky. >> i'm going to sit out for the last at this point. >> all right jesse. >> i'm going to go with big foots but plural. >> how to kill a big foot. how to kill a big foot. no points. alice. >> cockroach. >> how to kill a cockroach i like that. cockroach? ricky. >> girlfriend is number two girlfriend. oh. >> thank god. >> vampire okay. number one mocking bird rat tree cat. >> how do you kill a tree? based on this all these results who do you think is googling this, alice? >> monsters. yeah, a hundred points. and guys that was really fun. that brings us to the end of google feud!
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and now guys it's time for tonight's #wars. now it is officially tuesday we want to be the first to wish a happy st. patty's day to all our favorite irish folks who are lining up for the bars in four hours. from the liam neesomans so the wide eye tweakers hopped up on psychotropic clover in honor, will you never get your [bleep] get away get away. i will use imaginic to choke you with your own d ck. get away from me. i will [bleep] your ass with a potato if you touch me! so in honor of these famous celts tonight's #is make a celebrity irish. exam els by dwayne the shamrock johnson or robert blarney, jr. or pot o goldie hundred. and luck be smiling on you if you use your wee irish
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ago accident. also go bragh. >> potato pham ca general sign. >> yoko bon. >> helena bonham car bomb. >> ricky. >> rosanne bar fight. >> yes. points. >> so good. >> jesus marian and joseph gordon levitt. >> points. >> -- bloody sad aye. >> so oh danny tray jo. >> [bleep] the queen latifah. >> and that's the end of ye olde #wars. and if any of you yes well done. any of the eye rush peel would be offended by anything in that game we're
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not going to remember tomorrow. >> there you go. >> send us your hashtag make a celebrity irish. we'll be right back with more @midnight. our tweet of the day from our last #war was sent to us by@miles to go 13. we're almost thereiles. miles.
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>> welcome back to @midnight i'll be heading across country on the fun comfortable comedy tour in minneapolis and madison, and second shows added in new york philadelphia, label and many more. for particular goes to fun comfortable tour.com. but now its's time to play @midnight neon sign fun for -- >> the internet is full of neon sign fails but what if they're not fails. did you ever think about that internet why don't you shut up. i'm so sooree i didn't mean to yell please don't get mad. maybe just maybe there are some of the most cleative
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small businesses out there. so assuming that this horse-- excuse is true for 250 points give a slogan for these new businesses. first up burlington cat fact ree. factory. jesse joyce. >> be sure to visit the cafeteria in our south korean location. >> points. >> we know what that means. >> points. >> alice. >> come back soon or we'll pee on the coats. >> okay points. yeah. >> this next one i think we can all appreciate. how about some tit loans. hey. i'm a little short this month. alice. >> no shirt no shoes come on in. >> yeah points. over 10,000 locations in los angeles. >> yes, points. yeah. next one. >> petco rise and fish-- lies
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and fish. >> here's a clown fish, you have a big dick. >> ricky. >> that tank doesn't make you look fat. excellent. mashing up points. for sure. >> all right next one the virgin lodge. the virgin lodge. >> jesse. >> visit our 71 other locations throughout pakistan. god is great. >> god dammit. points. alice. >> you can use a gentleman cuzi, just be gentle-- jack use-- jacuzzi, just be gentle. >> points. >> ricky. >> for those of you on a tight budget. >> so good points.
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get it get it. >> nice. >> last one. jerk jerkins family restaurant. >> oh my goodness. alice. >> someone's in here! >> points. >> ricky. >> dad's favorite restaurant. >> yes, points. jeses jesse. >> home of the world's grossest ceiling. >> that brings us to the end of @midnight. it is time for our next game rekt or shrekt. if you #rekt on vine it leads to you videos of people delivering totally sick burns enhanced by pixelateed sunglasses
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and-- one of fine's other obsessions is schrec but not the lovable orgre they have repurposed him to be a dark prince of sur reality to creep you the [bleep] out. i will show you a screen shot on vine and you tell me if somebody is about to get rekted or schrecketted. this first little kill lid,. >> rekted. >> let's find out. >> can i get some help? >> i don't know can you? >> all right. >> wow. will bathe and switch with the weird hat. >> how about hitler. is he going to get rekted or shrekted. >> schrecketted for sure. >> tearing up my heart when i'm with you. ♪ ♪. >> it just got surreal. no that is how world war two happened. they should both have the mustache.
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>> how about these two kids from the cat in the hat rekt or schrecketted. >> schrecketted. >> all right, let's see. >> she was going to wear that tonight and you ruined it. >> honey, it was ruined when she bought it. >> well. >> why is the cat in the hat an ol jewish woman from new york. >> i done remember it being so bitchy. >> kids get your coats we're going to jerkins. (applause) >> here's a clown fish you have a big dick. one fish two fish clown fish big dick. >> points. >> that's the end of rekted or schrec-- shrekted. it's time for our live
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challenge. power play hour. in keeping with the st. patrick's dame theme michelle obama has been promoting her give me five campaign encouraging people to name five ways to stay in shape. joe biden responded the only way he knows how like a boss. >> yeah. >> got to do a million of these a day, just give me five. >> that is one jacked veep. -- i was like you guys should write a catch phrase for the vp's expendable role. we're going to get your answers right after the break, right back with pore @midnight.
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>> welcome back to @midnight. before the break i'll show you a vine of a jacked joe biden hifting weights and ask ud to write his action movie catch phrase. let's see what you came up with. >> no more mr. vice guy. >> has's good. >> alice. >> handguns don't kill people these guns kill people. >> points. jesse. >> you talking to me?
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or was i talking to you? why did i come into this room? >> all right. thousand points for jesse 500 to alice 2 to ricky as we jump to our fix game tourist trap tourist trap. spring is just around the corner and temperatures on the east coast are skyrocketing into the single digits. warm weather means-- self-proclaimed randy olson created an algorithm calculating the quickest driving route across merck that includes 50 visits to national landmarks like the statue of liberty and the white house. let's take a look. this is the perfect if you wanted to drive around the country and see a bunch of wlooep [bleep] blooep that is what you would do. a trip that long is going to require a lot of empty gatorade bottles to pe in. showing us to where to visit be comedians come up with places would you to the want to visit. let's put 60 seconds on the clock and begin. >> the tomb of the unkir sum sized soldiers.
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>> fointeds. >> ferguson. >> points. >> jesse. >> the museum of lactose intolerance. >> points. >> alice. >> the [bleep] part of arizonaness points. >> alice again. >> mouth dakota. >> the medicine cabinet at neverland ranch. >> points. >> alice. >> incestial sex flag. it's in alabama. >> points ricky. >> whatever parking lot shug knight is in. >> rascal flatts the band or if it's a place. >> points. >> jesse. >> a storage war reenactment. >> points. >> that is the end of tourist trap. i see alice you are in third place and we must eliminate you. i'm so sorry. i know the injustice. >> what the heck. >> do you have any last words? ness i believe i'll be doing my-- i'll sing my for
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allotted legal seconds of let it go. >> okay. [bleep] what the-- thank you so much. >> nice. ow ow ow. turn on that red light so we can meltdown that frozen princess. that means it's time to patcher your pooch it's for the win. the daily-- brought us a story about a new 30,000 dollar dog house being developed by samsung. schwa? >> this is covered in a-- mine is in the outdoors,-- which is rejuvenation. so automated feeder which at the press of a button can feed himself. wrjses. >> i really wanted to work on phones.
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i said no. >> i have a degree in aerospace technology. >> this makes the sense spending a cool teacher annual all sa rally-- a that would you have be just as happy eating a cricket over the yard. >> write a review as the world's most spoiled pooch. we will have the answers and name a winner when we come back on @midnight. (cheers and applause)
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>> welcome back to @midnight it is time for for the win. i will ripe your very large scores clean, wipe wipe wipe wipe wipe. i will read t
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